It must be the season, or the radio silence on this here blog, but people are starting to ask me if I ever intend to blog again. I’ve experienced a lot since my last update. I went to Colorado, took ridiculously cute pictures of my dog, had some very late nights, and got my first clear x-ray as a person in remission. But I couldn’t bring myself to write about it. I had my blinders up and was aggressively moving forward. The cancer thing was behind me and if anyone asked, I was completely FINE.

I went into last weekend’s YACC Retreat Yourself East wondering how I would benefit from it. I thought it would be neat to connect with cancer survivors my age, explore Cape Breton, and freely talk about cancer in a way I can’t really do with others.

I was not expecting to discover I’d been bottling so many things up, or to have that bottle cracked open for me to pick through and examine. Turns out I am not fine after all. Actually, cancer completely fucked me up. It fucked everything up.

The strange thing however, is that after facing all my fears and hang-ups, I left Cape Breton feeling better. I didn’t “fix” anything, really. But instead came to terms with the fact that it can’t be fixed, and that’s okay. I can’t think of a time when I felt more true to myself than during those days at Cabot Shores. And not the pre-cancer version of myself I had been clinging to.

I went to the doctor the day after I returned to have a pain checked out and start the process of scheduling follow-up surgery on my busted arm. I used to get SO bitter about sitting in doctor’s offices and being unwell. But that is just my life now. My body doesn’t work like it’s supposed to, but that doesn’t make me broken. Apparently it took five days next to the ocean with 35 amazing cancer survivors to truly accept that.

It is with all of this that I say The Great Balancing Act is officially closed for business. I will be leaving a large chunk of the blog up for those who still want access to recipes, workouts, and especially the cancer-centric posts. I am by no means done writing. But I know that as long as I cling on to this blog, I will never step out of my comfort zone and tackle the writing I really want to do. I have finally come to terms with the fact that my life has changed, and I am ready to change with it.

*sheepishly waves*

Is anyone still out there?

I have been meaning to write this blog post for months now. When I took my blogging hiatus, I had no idea how long it would last. Checking in with an update has been on my to-do list since the last time I hit “publish,” but I didn’t want my return to feel forced. Thus I waited until I felt ready to put some things into words. So here I lay in bed with my little Buster Pie curled next to me, staring at the WordPress screen once again.

First, let’s talk about my health.

I haven’t had any scans or oncology appointments since the last time we spoke, so as far as I know, the cancer is still gone. I do have a scan in June so let’s cross our fingers everything will be fine by then! That 98% survival rate you hear so often with Hodgkin’s is only after five years of being cancer-free. There is a much higher chance of recurrence during that first five-year window following treatment. So that is something I worry about with basically every waking second. I think it’s starting to give me wrinkles.

I wish I could say I am feeling wonderful and grabbing life by the horns, but well, some chemo side effects are still with me four months later, and they still suck.

First, there is chemo brain. Sometimes I feel like it’s worse than it was while actually on chemo, but perhaps it’s just more noticeable because I have to use my brain more being out in the real world. Not only am I generally confused and have difficulty communicating, but I seem to be losing chunks of time. Large periods of my life completely disappear into the abyss that is now my malfunctioning brain. I used to be so sharp! Now I rely on my iPhone alerts and endless lists to get me through the day. On the bright side, I have finally turned into that incredibly organized woman I’ve always wanted to be. Unfortunately out of necessity.

Fatigue! Oh what an enigma chemo fatigue can be. My energy levels are indeed coming back, but I am having a hard time judging exactly when my new found energy will run out. I’m just going along, doing my thing, and then CRASH. While I do have more energy these days, when the fatigue hits, it’s still mighty crippling. I feel like there’s no predicting it, so I just keep chugging along and take time outs when I need to.

Hair. It is growing so slowly! I thought by now I’d have a cute little Michelle Williams pixie cut but it’s still a borderline buzz cut. I gave up the wig a couple weeks ago because I finally got to the point where having the wig on my head at all hours was worse than looking like a boy in lipstick. I hate the way my hair looks and generally don’t look in the mirror much or pose for pictures anymore. I have no desire to remember ever looking like this, and thanks to chemo brain, I probably won’t.

Apart from chemo side effects and worrying about cancer all the time, life is good. I love being back at work and knowing I have something to do every day. I moved into a HOUSE! A cute little two bedroom, 1-1/2 storey rental house slightly off the beaten path. It’s the perfect home for me, Buster, and my sister. Decorating the house has been a nice distraction during this period of life. It is probably the girliest house you have ever seen.

I have done a complete 180 with my eating habits since finishing chemo. I am trying really hard to eat the best I can to help keep me healthy, which means less adventures in the kitchen. No more trays of sweets or rich foods made with packaged products. Trying to do the ‘au naturel’ thing, which has also translated into all other products I use, including makeup and cleaning products. Except I haven’t given up beer and whiskey. A girl’s gotta have some fun too.

Finally, I am going to Colorado next week!! I leave for the Blend Retreat on Thursday and I am both terrified and ridiculously excited. Travelling alone with chemo brain is a little disconcerting, and I’m scared I won’t be able to keep up with the rest of the gang. But it’s all worth it to be in the mountains with friends.

Soooo… does this mean a comeback? I am still not sure. To be perfectly honest, it is really hard to come back to this blog when there is so much of my history in it. In some ways, it is almost creepy how the cancer car wreck happened on the internet for the whole world to see. At this juncture, I am very ready to move forward from both my cancer self, and my pre-cancer self. And coming back to write here is just not in line with that. So we shall see. A new blog may be in order. I really want to start writing again, but felt the need to test the waters first. Dip my toes in to see how cold the water is. It may take my body some time to adjust, so thank you for bearing with me on the sidelines! I appreciate it more than you know.

Buster moonlights as my copy editor.

P.S. I am still avoiding my inbox and not answering emails. Sorry I’m not sorry.

It wasn’t my intention to disappear from the blog for a couple weeks. But these days, writing is a lot more forced. The only reason to update was for all of you reading out there, and I felt I had little to benefit from it.

That’s not to say there’s been nothing to blog about. I’m still in the kitchen cooking up a storm and experimenting with new recipes. I’ve even made up a few of my own. I got my first infection since starting chemo – a tooth infection. I’m on penicillin right now and the excruciating pain in my lower-right wisdom tooth has thankfully subsided. I’m getting my wisdom teeth out next month. I would have done it sooner, but you’re not allowed to go to the dentist when on chemo.

I’ve heard from a lot of fellow cancer patients and their caretakers. People who have gone through the crazy roller coaster ride that is cancer. We share war stories and tell each other we’re doing the best we can. It helps, a lot. And keeps me coming back to blog in case I can reach another fellow patient out there.

Many months back, I said it was hard to go through an illness under a microscope, and I stand by that. Although I was quite vocal about my experience both on the blog and with the local media, I really just did it because I wanted people to know that cancer is not a death sentence. No matter what it looked like from the outside, I was not a poor sickly bald girl to look down upon. I was living with cancer, with my personality and sense of humour intact. Cancer takes a lot of things, but it doesn’t take away a person’s spirit.

As time goes on, I find myself wanting more and more privacy. I am still trying to deal with what I went through, and I just can’t yet bring myself to share it with such a large audience. I really don’t think there is a right or wrong way to go through cancer. But I also can’t sit here and blog about cookies and cupcakes like nothing ever happened.

The past two weeks since finding out that I am done with treatment have been both fantastic and terrifying. I was a rock while going through treatment and hardly ever shed a tear. Now I’m kind of an emotional mess and find myself getting set off by the slightest things. It’s like my body was in ‘fight mode’ for seven months and only now can I loosen my grip and take off the brave face I was putting on.

I’m writing this because I didn’t just want to disappear without an explanation. Despite the hardships, there are good things happening too. I’m going back to work. Eight hours a day, five days a week. It’s going to take every ounce of energy I have for a while. When I do find energy between working hours, I don’t want to spend it doing more typing at a computer. I want to be putting in face time with other people, reading books, knitting, or cooking. In my list of life priorities, blogging unfortunately has fallen to the bottom.

This is by no means a ‘goodbye forever’ post, but a ‘see you soon.’ See you when I get a better handle on things or if I have something in particular to share. If you don’t want to have to constantly check back, I encourage you to sign up for email subscription at the top of the page. That way when I post again it will go straight to your inbox. You can also RSS or join my Facebook page where I put up posts. I’m still on Twitter all the time and posting a gross amount of pictures of Buster on Instagram (as BalanceSusan).

So… see you soon. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!

Well the good news just keeps on coming, because the radiologist said she did not want to do radiation!! She said even though I have a residual mass in my chest, there is no sense in radiating it because they know from the PET scan it is not active cancer. Thank goodness for PET scans! She also expressed concern about the radiation field, which would have to go through both breast and lung tissue, putting me and a very high risk for breast cancer and more lung issues in the future.

The radiologist printed out a copy of my PET scans to compare “before and after.” The images are of my chest with my arms above my head. Top was done on June 30, 2011 before my diagnosis, and the bottom image is from last week, January 30, 2012.

On first glance, there’s a clear difference between the two! On the computer, PET scans are in colour and show a better distinction between tumours and organs. You can kind of see on the top image where the radiologist circled to show me where the original mass was. The lighter bits inside of it are the parts that “light up” as being actively cancerous. The other white bits are just bone. It’s a 2D snapshot of a 3D image.

Below is another angle, showing a snapshot as if you were looking through my torso from my feet. Again, consider it a 2D slide in a 3D image.

You can see in the bottom image where the radiologist circled as being the residual mass, which is 2cm. That’s down from a 14cm mass! She said I shouldn’t spend too much time worrying about the residual mass becoming cancer again, and that it will take my body a couple years to absorb the dead cells it’s made up of.

I’m going in for another PET scan in about 3-4 months just to make sure there’s no new growth since ending treatment. After my radiology appointment, my mom and I immediately went to extramural to get my PICC line taken out!

I had this purple tube inside my arm for over four months. It’s inserted into a vein in my arm and goes all the way to my heart. It protected my veins while getting harsh chemo treatments through IV and also made it so I had less needles for my weekly blood draws. However, it also had to be cleaned every week, taped to my arm 24/7, and I could never get it wet. The PICC was a constant reminder that I was a sick person with ties to the hospital. Getting it taken out was like being unchained from cancer!

Getting the PICC inserted was the most traumatic experience, apart from my bone marrow biopsy. It took 90 minutes to shove in, and under 30 seconds to pull out. Go figure.

By chance, a few of my friends planned a get together for Friday night so we turned into a cancer-free/end-of-treatment celebration. They made me cupcakes!

Tiffany is a genius.

 And bought me beer!

As promised, I indulged in many drinks, went out to a bar, and stumbled home close to 3am.

It is SO incredibly weird to think that I am completely finished with treatment. I still feel the effects of chemo every day. I sleep a good 9-10 hours every night and my brain is still pretty foggy. I still wear a wig as my hair is only half an inch long.

You could probably tell from my last post that I was having a hard time grasping with the idea that I am cancer-free. I think that’s because I was still struggling with knowing I even have cancer in the first place. But treatment? That affects me immediately in a very real and tangible way. Finding out that I’m finished was the best moment of my life. I am tearing up now just thinking that I can start to put some space between me and this cancer debacle.

As for the for the immediate future, I am going back to work in two weeks. My bosses and coworkers have been amazing throughout all of this and my desk is still there waiting for me. I’m definitely nervous about getting tired being in the office for eight hours (and being there for 8am!). But, I’m lucky it’s a pretty non-physical, non-stressful job. I’m confident that even if it’s rough in the beginning, I’ll get the hang of it quickly.

I also have long-term plans of leaving the nest and getting a place of my own. I have had to give up A LOT of independence while getting treated for cancer, and I am really looking forward to getting some of it back.

Again, thank you so much for the continued support from each and every one of you throughout this entire experience. Being able to connect with people through my blog kept me from feeling isolated when I was too sick to leave bed. You were all a constant source of strength and hope. It takes a village to raise a child, and apparently it takes an army of friends via the internet to get rid of cancer!

]]> http://thegreatbalancingact.com/2012/02/06/the-best-kind-of-news/feed/ 73 thegreatbalancingact IMG_4083 IMG_4082 IMG_4025 IMG_4028 IMG_4032 IMG_4033 IMG_4034 IMG_4039 http://thegreatbalancingact.com/2012/02/02/the-results-are-in/ http://thegreatbalancingact.com/2012/02/02/the-results-are-in/#comments Thu, 02 Feb 2012 12:31:26 +0000 Susan http://thegreatbalancingact.com/?p=17112 ]]> …and I am CANCER FREE!

Waiting for the isotopes before my PET scan.

After finishing my scan on Monday, the doctor came out and asked me when I finished chemo. I replied “December 21st” and he said “Oh! Right before Christmas!” I nodded, remembering how uneventful it seemed being sick over the holidays and worrying if maybe the chemo wasn’t enough.

The doctor then said he looked at the scan and that “it looks like it’s all cleared up.”

I said “Really!? That’s awesome!” And then the doctor wished me luck and returned to his office.

The technician walked me to the waiting room where my dad was. She said the doctor rarely comes out and tells patients the results of a scan before giving his report to the oncologists.

I immediately told my dad the good news, we hugged. I then visited my Grammie who is staying in the same hospital, and ran into my older sister who gave me a cinnamon bun the size of my head.

The night of the good news. Buster wondering why I woke him up.

Despite knowing that my scan was clear, I still had a lot of questions for my oncologist. Unfortunately, when I saw him on Tuesday he hadn’t received the PET scan report yet, so I had to wait for any more details.

I spoke with my oncologist over the phone early yesterday and he confirmed that the PET scan showed no metabolic activity. That means NO CANCER (*fist pumps*).

However, there is still a “residual mass” in my chest. This is a very common occurrence for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma patients, especially those with bulky tumours such as my own (bulky means it’s larger than 10 cm in size. Mine was 14 cm, or 5.5 inches). Because the residual mass did not light up on the PET scan, it is not cancerous and not growing. My oncologist is fairly certain it’s scar tissue, and from what I’ve read, having a residual mass won’t necessarily increase my risk of recurrence.

Now there is the big question as to whether or not I’ll do radiation to further shrink that residual mass and zap the area that was once active. In the past, 6 months chemo + 1 month radiation was the norm for people with my diagnosis. However, the most recent studies have shown that radiation may not prevent Hodgkin’s from coming back any more than just having chemo. Radiation also increases the risk of getting a secondary cancer down the road. Something of particular concern because of my younger age.

My oncologist recommended that I don’t do radiation, but he’s leaving it to my radiologist to make a formal recommendation. The decision to get it is ultimately mine, but I trust my doctors and will likely do what they say. I do know that my oncologist is highly respected so there’s a good chance my radiologist will follow his recommendation, unless she isn’t as satisfied with my scan. I’m not sure how large the residual mass is yet.

I meet with the radiologist on Friday, so I will update you all on the radiation bit after then!

As of right now, my feelings are mixed. I’m elated to know that I no longer have a cancer inside of me, and that I can get my horrendous PICC line out!

The PICC is the tube hanging out of my arm for giving IV drugs and taking blood.

On the other hand, I am nervous about this radiation thing. I am nervous to start living my life dealing with the long-term side effects of cancer and its treatment. The cancer may come back, my lungs still feel off, the chemo can affect my heart, gall bladder, the list goes on and on.

Just because the cancer is gone, it does not mean the complications and emotions that come with it are suddenly gone too. I am definitely happy I was able to get rid of my cancer, but I much prefer to have never had cancer at all.

In the end, I do realize I’m lucky to have gotten rid of it at all. There are many out there who are diagnosed with less favourable kinds of cancer. But I am not fooling myself into thinking I will ever be the same again. I unfortunately learned the hard way that I’m not as invincible as I once thought I was.

I have a lot to say, but I will leave it there for today. However I can’t forget to give a big THANK YOU for sending so many well wishes, good vibes, prayers, and healing chants. Those of you who sent comments, messages, and tweets over the past few days, I am sorry I couldn’t respond to every single one of you. But please know I read and appreciated every single one. Also, thank you to the silent readers who also sent positive energy my way. I am not too hippie-dippie when it comes to this stuff, but I will take anything I can get if it will help keep the cancer away!

There is certainly still more to my cancer journey, but I’m sure we can all agree that the worst is now hopefully over.

At the same time, I will be in the car with my dad heading for the same destination.

Once we both arrive, the isotopes will be injected into my veins. I’ll sit in a dark room for close to an hour as they spread through my body. Nothing to read or do, as a stimulated brain can create a false image.

I’ll then lay on a PET scanning machine and move in and out of it slowly for around 30 minutes.

The radioactive isotopes will react with the sugar in my body so areas where there is metabolic activity will light up in an image. Any spots that light up are considered to be actively cancerous and growing.

Source: CENTRE JEAN PERRIN, ISM/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY

Last time I had a PET scan, in July 2011, I had a spot light up just above my heart. Cancer wrapped around the superior vena cava that pumps blood into my heart. Another spot was located under my right arm and removed in surgery shortly after.

Today, after six months of chemotherapy, I am desperately hoping there are no bright spots on that image. That would mean I am cancer-free and require no more treatment. If there is still evidence of activity, my doctors may decide on 4+ weeks of radiation, which would consist of direct a ray of radiation to my chest for 10 minutes, 5 days a week. Then there’s a possibility that it could be worse…

I have always been optimistic about this cancer thing, but I enter today’s scan considerably less optimistic. I recently noticed I still have visible veins on the left side of my chest. Previously, those colourful veins were a sign that the cancer was squeezing around that big vein that goes into my heart and restricting blood flow. I’m scared that is happening again.

I likely won’t get the results today. I meet with my oncologist tomorrow and then my radiologist on Friday. That means I should know the results of the scan tomorrow, then what the remainder of my treatment plan is by Friday. Hopefully.

The last five weeks since finishing chemo have been a little snippet of what going back to my “normal” life could be like. I am ready to go back to work, get a place of my own, travel, and spend more time with friends. Having to get radiation will likely put all of that on hold and have me feeling sick again. I’ve been preparing myself for radiation ever since my diagnosis, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready or willing. I would love so much to get news that this is all over starting today. But I’m uncharacteristically pessimistic about this one.

As a result, I am graciously collecting well wishes, good vibes, prayers, and healing chants from all my internet friends. You know where to send them. Thank you. I’ll let you know the results as soon as I know!

11 Things

1. I collect elephant figurines. I’ve got dozens of elephant trinkets from all around the world.

2. I know how to Highland dance. My older sisters were more competitive with it but I still remember the basic steps. I remember using metre sticks to practice the sword dance and wearing rubber bands at the top of my knee socks to prevent them from falling down while I jumped up and down.

3. I love the smell of second hand smoke. I smoked for six years and quit purely for health and vanity reasons. I never turned into one of those ex-smokers who wrinkle their nose at how “gross” it is. That’s why I haven’t touched a cigarette since I quit, because I could probably easily become a smoker again.

4. The first dog I ever owned was named Prudence. I believe she was a shephard/beagle mix. She died near Parlee Beach after choking on a shell.

5. I didn’t get my license until I was 22. I failed my beginners written exam when I was 16 and never bothered with it again until my boyfriend in university insisted that he teach me.

My first car - a 1993 Dodge Shadow. Bought in 2008.

6. Speaking of cars, I dream of owning a Vespa someday.

7. The only reason why I learned how to play harmonica was so I could play this song:

8. The first recipe I ever tried was stuffed tomatoes from Jamie Oliver’s old show The Naked Chef. I was 13. I turned out awful.

9. Even though I’m not sure if I’ll even ever have children, I love picking out names for these fictional children of mine. Right now my favourite girl’s name in Rosalie while my current boy’s name is Simon.

10. I really dislike horror movies. I claim it’s because they typically have bad plots, but it’s mostly because I don’t like being scared. Although, I do kind of love Evil Dead.

11. I spend a lot of time going between really wanting a tattoo, and wanting to keep my body tattoo-free. Currently, I am in a wanting a tattoo phase. The main thing that keeps me from ultimately getting one is that I’m cheap.

11 Questions

1. What is your favorite Pop song?

I don’t listen to a lot of pop, how about some Britpop?

2. What is your first ever memory?

Bothering my sisters while they were playing a board game in the basement. I was 2 or 3 years old and they were yelling at me to go away because I was knocking around the pieces.

3. What food are you most addicted to?

Peanut butter. It was the only restricted food I had while on chemo that I just couldn’t 100% give up. Chocolate and cheese were easier to resist!

4. The best place you have visited?

Banff, Alberta. I feel like I should say one of the cool European places I’ve been to, but Banff is beautiful without all the manmade stuff. I’m not much of a city person and when it comes to the great outdoors, Banff is wonderful.

5. The book you’re currently reading?

I haven’t read a book since… October? I usually read a book every couple weeks, but I have a hard time concentrating on and retaining information these days thanks to chemo brain.

6. A life goal you have yet to achieve?

Make homemade croissants.

7. Smoothie or Juice?

Neither.

8. Favorite App?

Instagram!! I’m balancesusan on there.

9. What did you want to be when you were little?

Veterinarian. I’ve always loved animals.

10. Top ten fruit and veg?

Apples, oranges, grapes, spinach, carrots, tomatoes, blueberries, artichoke hearts, potatoes, mangoes.

11. Favorite way to drink coffee?

Black and strong. There is a joke about men in there somewhere.

I actually never throw myself birthday parties because I hate being the centre of attention. Yes, I realize the hypocrisy of that because I write a blog centred around myself. I just prefer not to see the eyes looking at me. Also, if we’re being really truthful here, I have a small fear that if I were to throw a party no one would show up.

Instead, I spent January 23rd my favourite way – low key with just a few good people.

That included a lunch out with friends. We checked out a newer gastro pub in Moncton called the Tide & Boar. Apparently they have famous poutine made with boar meat, but I didn’t want to fill myself up for the day at noon.

I instead ordered haddock breaded in panko and parmesan with a fennel coleslaw (that had amazing fried capers) and a house salad with roast veggies and granola. I can’t wait to come back and try out the rest of their unique menu!

The girls got me flowers among other things! So sweet. I’m not a girly-girl on many levels, but I love getting flowers.

One thing I wanted to do on my birthday that was a non-negotiable was take my dog for a walk.

I’d say 37% of the reason why I got a dog was just so I would have something to walk! Buster and I did our usual 3-mile route. It’s always one of my favourite parts of the day.

And then what’s a birthday without my MOM? Who would tell me the story of my birth for the 26th time? She said she’d make me anything I wanted for dinner and now that my food restrictions are over the first thing I requested was CHEESE. Since it’s not the best idea to eat a pound of old cheddar with a fork, we decided on a lasagna instead.

My mom’s lasagna is the best! This time around she used kamut noodes, bison meat, and packed it full of veggies. With a Greek salad (my favourite) on the side.

But the cake? Making that was entirely up to me. Making my own cake every year is one of my favourite traditions! Here’s what I made in 2009, 2010, and 2011.

I’m not a fan of traditional cakes, I always go for something a little different. This year it was chocolate chip cookie cake.

I used this recipe to make the cake. I even screwed up the directions and it still turned out great.

I went to make little decorations on top with vanilla bean buttercream frosting, and the ziploc bag I was piping out of exploded all over the cake!! So full-on icing it was.

Guess I should buy a proper piping bag with some of my birthday money.

Chocolate chip cookies are hands down my favourite dessert, so this was an easy sell. I actually liked the thin layer of icing and the cake is choc full of chocolate chips.

Dinner was followed by plenty of talking, yelling, and laughing with my family. All while the dogs played and played and played.

Buster and my mom’s new puppy already love each other.

Overall, it was the best kind of day I could ask for. My energy levels are still low so I took care not to cram too much in. Instead I’ll do other bits of celebrating throughout the week. It’s funny, because usually I turn a year older and am amazed by how time passes and how I’m suddenly so old. Not this year. Having cancer made me realize just how young I really am. 26 years is just a fraction of the life I hope to live.

Anyways, I wanted to note that today, January 21st marks one month since my last chemo!! Officially the longest I’ve gone without chemo since beginning in July 2011. Before this, it was common to wait three weeks in between treatments.

A lot of people ask me how I’m feeling now that it’s been so long. The answer, as always, is complicated. I feel great and yet I don’t feel great all at the same time.

With each week that passes, I find I have more energy than the week before. I’m getting out of the house more, exercising more, I’m even doing a few more chores. But with the bouts of energy, still come the crashes. While my “ups” are much better and longer than they used to be, they are still much more short-lived than that of a normal person. And my “down” energy times are still borderline crippling.

The best way to explain it is to use the spoon theory. I’m not sure if I really have any more spoons, but instead it just takes a little more to use one up. When I run out of spoons, the feeling is no different than before. I’m stuck to lying in bed so fatigued I can barely move. This first month without chemo has made me realize what a long process recovering from the poisons is going to be. Now I really understand how people can say it takes months to get any semblance of normalcy back.

With that said however, I’m bound and determined to get some things done in these months as I recover. Namely, TRAVEL!

I would have never labelled myself as an avid traveller before, but having to go a year without going anywhere made me realize how much I really do travel and how much I rely on it! I have a few things on the horizon that I am super stoked on.

1. Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Source

Okay, so Halifax is only a 2.5 hour drive from Moncton. But my friend gave me a Garrison growler (ie. jug o’ beer) and we made plans to go to Halifax to get it filled to celebrate when I’m cancer-free. If I get a clear scan next week, the trip could be very soon! I love Halifax (my mom grew up there) and have a handful of friends there, so I think it will make for a perfect first trip.

2. Toronto, Ontario.

View from the CN Tower!

Ideally, I’d like to take a long weekend trip to my old stomping grounds in March/April depending on how I’m feeling and how work is going. I’d have taken a trip back a looooong time ago had I not gotten sick. I miss my friends there! And the food!

3. Boulder, Colorado. 

Source

Ever since travelling to the Canadian Rockies with Holly and Karen, I’ve had an itch to go south and see what the Rockies are like in the U.S. Coincidentally, when a group of bloggers decided to arrange a weekend of hanging out, they chose Colorado as the location! The BLEND Retreat is May 4-6 and will basically be one big blogger party. No sessions or conferences to get to, just spending time together and tackling some mountains! Some of my best blog friends are already signed up to go, but I know there are spots left. I encourage any bloggers out there to check it out! As Lindsay says, you can always make more money, you’ll never be able to replicate this kind of weekend. If you’re worried about not knowing anyone, you’ll know ME. And we can be awkward together.

4. Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia.

Source

Ever since being diagnosed with cancer, I’ve been reading about these survivor retreats and wishing I could be a survivor already and go take part. Well, by July I should hopefully still be in remission so I signed up to take part in the Young Adult Cancer Canada “Retreat Yourself” on the East Coast. Registration was free and I’m lucky that it’s close enough I can drive. I’ve never been to Cape Breton, so I’m excited to check out its beauty, get some outdoor activity in, and of course connect with other cancer patients/survivors my age who will get my cancer jokes. If you’re a Canadian young adult cancer survivor, you should check this one out!

Well, I wanted to share some of the treats that have been coming out of my kitchen, but I feel like I’ve written enough, so I will save that for another post. Instead, here is a picture of Buster carrying around his much-too-big-for-him teddy bear.

Have a great weekend!

“Home gym” used lightly here as it is still very much a work in progress. I set it up in an empty room in my dad’s house and there’s still equipment to add and clutter to clear out.

I’m really, really excited about it because I’m not allowed to work out in a regular gym due to my weakened immune system from chemo. When the weather was nice and I was feeling more sick, I was okay with getting my exercise with long walks. But now that we’re down to the minus double digits and I’m getting small bursts of energy again, I’ve got the bug to get some real workouts in!

For cardio, I’ve got my dad’s recumbent bike and my new elliptical. So far I am completely in love with the elliptical. It’s a real treat to just saunter downstairs and get my cardio in while watching whatever I want on television. I call it my “investment piece” based on what I’ll save on a gym membership in the long run. Plus, the equipment may come in handy down the road if I ever want to do personal training outside of a gym environment.

For strength, I got a bench, barbell, and weight plates for free from my step-dad. I already owned the confused looking dog.

There’s also light dumbbells, mats, skip rope, exercise ball, and a foam roller that I had already acquired over the years. Eventually I’d like to get some heavier dumbbells and kettlebells. I’ve also got a road bike and indoor trainer for it, but I’m in no rush to set it up with my broken arm and all. I’m going to try the Couch to 5k running program when the ice melts.

I have to say, starting to seriously workout again after six months of chemotherapy is rough. Way more rough than when I first started getting into fitness after years of smoking and drinking too much beer.

Among the many awful things chemo does, it also breaks down muscle mass. I used to shoulder press with 25 lb dumbbells, and now I’m struggling with 5 lbs! It’s really quite remarkable. And not in a good way.

I also suffered from lung toxicity over the course of chemo and I don’t feel like my lungs are quite where they were when I was healthy. My cardiovascular fitness has gotten pretty bad too. But I can’t push it too hard in case there is still a tumour wrapped around the vein that pumps blood into my heart.

Of course, there’s the added issue of my left elbow looking like this the last time we checked:

I’ve gained a lot of strength and movement in that arm over the past several months, but it’s nowhere close to being where it was before the skating accident. I still can’t bear a lot of weight on it. A push up for example is impossible. Even doing repetitions with light weights can be painful.

With aaalllll of that said, I’m really quite excited. Fitness used to be my life, and participating in it again makes me feel like me. It gives me a sense of normalcy that I so desperately crave. Plus, the endorphins do wonders for my mood. I’ll keep you updated as time goes on in the quest to get my fitness back. Maybe I’ll even update that ole’ workout page with some new workouts again!

Anyways, here’s some bloggable highlights from the week!

1. Chicken and Waffles.

First, can we discuss where this combo originated? Was it in the Southern U.S.? For all the times I’ve eaten waffles, I’ve never had this combo. Healthified since I was making it at home. I started by slicing a small pre-baked chicken breast, dipping the pieces in egg whites, then coating them in a mix of coconut flour and ground flax seed. I then stuck them in the toaster oven until they browned.

For the waffle, in a bowl I mixed:

• 1/3 cup whole wheat flour
• 1 tbsp ground flax seed
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tbsp sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 egg white
• almond milk until desired consistency (thicker for waffles than pancakes. sorry! I never measure it!)

I’m not quite sure what people put on chicken and waffles, so I drizzled syrup on top and it was GOOD! Chicken is so bland that the sweetness worked nice, and the coconut coating was the perfect flavour to add. Traditionally, the chicken is battered and deep fried. I will have to try that version another day!

2. Homemade pasta.

My friend Becca has an Italian cookbook filled with humorous notes from an Italian on how to make the recipes authentic (such as “no!” to garlic in tomato sauce). Half of the book is pasta recipes and we decided we needed to attempt the homemade noodles in there since neither of us had done it before.

It was actually incredibly easy. For two servings, mix 1 cup flour (durum preferably, but we used all purpose with a splash of water) and two eggs. Roll it out paper thin and hang to dry for 20 minutes. For fettuccine, we rolled up the sheet of dough then made  <1cm slices all the way down it. Unravel, then drop in a pot of boiling water for a minute. The hardest part was flattening out the dough with a beer glass.

We agreed on a lighter sauce to let the noodles shine. Becca whipped up a basil walnut pesto with roasted garlic. Everything was DIVINE. I want homemade pasta again tomorrow, and the next day.

3. I got an elliptical!

Fancy, eh? I cancelled my gym membership when I was in the hospital and have been working out at home because of my weakened immune system. Instead of rejoining the gym, I decided to slowly get a home gym going instead. For a long time I planned on getting a treadmill, but I like running and walking outdoors when I can. I thought the elliptical would be something different for my muscles and good for crappy days outside. I’m ridiculously excited about it.

4. Buster had surgery!

Okay, so he just got fixed like every other dog out there, but I still worried about him! Above is a photo the vet snapped when he was waking up from the anesthesia. Look at his tongue hanging out! My poor baby.

He was really groggy when I first brought him home, but the next morning he had better control of his tongue and was bounding around like normal.

As well as playing with his doggie relatives. It’s a full house whenever I bring Buster around my mom’s house with the addition of the new puppy. All dogs fighting to be on one lap at a time.

5. Tunes.

Because we all need some good tunes to go into the weekend with.

Inhaler by Miles Kane

Mayday by PUJOL

Cause A Rockslide by Badly Drawn Boy

The Bad In Each Other by Feist

Walk Away by Tom Waits

That’s all she wrote! Have a great weekend!

But from the time of my diagnosis, I’ve been on a focused path of being cancer-free again. I stopped going to work and instead woke up every day with only one job to do – get healthy again.

But what happens when I am healthy again? For six months, my life has been going to appointments, taking pills, dealing with fatigue and illness, and of course, walking the dog. But when the cancer is gone and I get a clear bill of health, how am I going to jump back into “normal” life as a citizen of the world again? I haven’t even been inside a shopping mall for six months!

In my opinion, being told you’re cancer-free is arguably harder than the initial diagnosis itself. With cancer I was told what to expect, but I have no idea what to expect of life post-cancer. Even as my hair grows back, the chemo fog lifts, and the fatigue slowly melts away, will I ever feel truly healthy again? There will always be a looming scan in the future and fear of hearing another diagnosis from a doctor’s lips.

Currently I am in this weird waiting period between my last chemo and a scan checking in on its effect. The scan will either show lingering cancer the doctors will want to radiate, or show no signs of cancer and I get to skip out of the hospital cancer-free once again.

But waking up cancer-free knowing what it’s like to wake up with cancer is not as relieving and joyous as it sounds. Especially in the first few months as my body slowly recovers and I learn to adjust back to my old life. As I adjust to being a girl in her 20′s again instead of that sick girl who watches too many movies.

I remember driving home from the hospital after being chained to an IV pole in the oncology ward for a month. It is so, so weird to be stuck inside one building for that amount of time. Kind of what I imagine jail to be like. Even though I was in my hometown the whole time, as I drove toward my house, it all felt so strange and foreign. My house was the same, but I was walking through it differently with a whole new perspective.

As I come closer to my cancer-free date, I feel very similar. Although this time I’ve been free to move around, it’s as if the news will allow me to step outside this bubble I’ve been living in for six months. In some ways it will be a refreshing breath of fresh air. In other ways, it will also feel so strange and foreign. The world will certainly look a lot different, and that can be scary.

I am not trying to be poetic here. In all seriousness, the first thing I’m doing when I’m cancer-free is walking into a bar and ordering a drink.

And then another.

And wait for it to rise.

No, not bagels yet (soon, I promise!). But this week I tackled another bread that’s been on the to-do list for a while – pita bread!

I’ve finally figured out the environment that best encourages active yeast and rising dough in my kitchen. I start with 100F degree water with a few pinches of sugar and activate the yeast with a hot, damp towel over the bowl in the microwave (turned off, obviously). It gets wonderfully bubbly after 10 minutes.

My newest trick?

A KitchenAid stand mixer!! It was a Christmas gift. So shiny. So beautiful. So dang useful. I broke it in by allowing it to knead the dough for 10 minutes while I rested my gimp left arm.

My next trick for rising dough is sticking it back in the microwave with a hot towel over top and a couple thermoses of boiling water.

Punching it is arguably the best part. Makes all that waiting worth it.

For pita bread, you have to divide the dough and roll it into balls first.

Once the dough is settled, roll it out and stick it in a very hot oven. I had mine a bit hotter at 450F. This is where you can gasp and yelp in amazement.

THEY PUFF UP!! I promptly called my sister into the room going “Look! Look!” Once you place the flat dough on the hot pan in the oven, it only takes seconds for them to start bubbling up and separating in the middle.

The recipe I followed can be found here. The pita bread was delicious, but I wouldn’t say perfect for my first attempt. Not all of them puffed fully and I found they were too fluffy. I would definitely recommend the hotter oven temperature and I think next time I’ll roll them out thinner. They also really do get crispy when kept in the oven for longer than three minutes.

Coincidentally, I had some homemade hummus on hand. (a very basic version – 1 can drained chickpeas, 2 tbsp liquid from can, 2 tbsp lemon juice, 2 tbsp tahini, 2 small cloves garlic, 1 tsp cumin, salt, pepper, all in the food processor!)

In completely unrelated news…

MY MOM GOT A PUPPY!!

Her name is Maggie Mae, her previous owner named her Megara, which my mom said was too ‘cumbersome.’ She’s a 12-week-old Havanese. Super shy and cuddly. So soft and fluffy!

Buster scared the bejesus out of her when he came bounding into my mom’s house and straight for her. He, err, comes on a little strong with other dogs sometimes.

And in more news, I’m calling the vet today to get Buster fixed. No more waiting with that one!

Yup, I am one of those annoying people not jumping on the resolution train this year. Partly because I now face another year having not completed my goals from the year before. But also because I am too exhausted from the cancer debacle to force myself to do anything other than recover and get better in this new year.

In 2011, I set out to make switches rather than goals:

1. Switch out sugary desserts with natural sweets.

2. Switch out 5 minutes of internet time with meditation time.

3. Switch out one workout a week with yoga.

4. Switch out unreplied emails for replied ones.

Well, I am here to tell you that I did not successfully complete any of them! In my defense, six weeks after I set these goals, I shattered my left elbow and couldn’t do yoga anymore. I hate meditating. I have a sweet tooth that a piece of fruit will never be able to satisfy. And well, the email thing is always a headache. I have a bad habit of reading emails on my phone, marking them as “read,” then forgetting to ever reply.

I used to be a big goal setter, and I do still think there is a time and place for them. But when it comes to “life” I now know there are just too many variables to think I can set myself on a linear path. The universe has very much forced me to become a “go with the flow” type person, and I sometimes feel there is just too much rigidity to goals. Plus, why would I ever want to set myself up for failure? That’s just depressing.

In August 2011, shortly after I started chemotherapy, I listed newer, more fun goals. I would instead call them things to look forward to, rather than additional items to add to my to-do list.

1. Write an outline for a book.

2. Travel somewhere in North America.

3. Bake croissants and bagels.

4. Get a dog.

5. Run.

See? Doesn’t that sound so much better?

As for #1, I flip flop with this a lot. I feel like every person with a cancer diagnosis is writing a book these days. It took me a really long time to come up with a concept that I think is different and would appeal to a mass audience. With that said, I feel like I still need more space from this cancer thing before I start seriously writing it. I also don’t think I’d make any money off a book, so I’m not sure if the time I put into it would be worth it.

As for #2, if I’m healthy enough I plan on travelling to Boulder, Colorado in May for the Blend Retreat! #3 will likely happen in the next few months. I’m going to start on #5 as soon as I’m told I’m cancer-free (soon, I hope!).

And we all know how #4 turned out :)

Instead of fretting over resolutions this year, Buster Bartholomew and I headed over to my mom’s house for a New Year’s feast! I still can’t drink until my chemo meds wear off, so I cooked like a fiend instead.

Three kinds of meatballs, 60 in total, with dipping sauces for each.

Leah’s Lemon Rosemary Turkey Meatballs. I didn’t make the sauce for these, but found that hummus was the perfect dipping sauce! They were also good with leftover cranberry sauce from Christmas dinner.

Sweet and Sour Pork Meatballs. I didn’t make the sauce for these either and instead dipped in bottled plum sauce.

Tofu Balls in a Peanut Sauce. I’ve made these tofu balls a bunch of times and they are amazing every time. I especially like them with the peanut sauce!

This New Year’s Eve was certainly much more low key than I’m used to, and I’m not really a “low key” person when it comes to these things. But I’ll make up for it next year. I’ve got a lot of making up to do in 2012!

Meanwhile, it seems Archie’s resolution was to be nicer to Buster. Even if it’s only for short periods at a time.

Anyone else out there make any resolutions?