Waiting for the isotopes before my PET scan.

After finishing my scan on Monday, the doctor came out and asked me when I finished chemo. I replied “December 21st” and he said “Oh! Right before Christmas!” I nodded, remembering how uneventful it seemed being sick over the holidays and worrying if maybe the chemo wasn’t enough.

The doctor then said he looked at the scan and that “it looks like it’s all cleared up.”

I said “Really!? That’s awesome!” And then the doctor wished me luck and returned to his office.

The technician walked me to the waiting room where my dad was. She said the doctor rarely comes out and tells patients the results of a scan before giving his report to the oncologists.

I immediately told my dad the good news, we hugged. I then visited my Grammie who is staying in the same hospital, and ran into my older sister who gave me a cinnamon bun the size of my head.

The night of the good news. Buster wondering why I woke him up.

Despite knowing that my scan was clear, I still had a lot of questions for my oncologist. Unfortunately, when I saw him on Tuesday he hadn’t received the PET scan report yet, so I had to wait for any more details.

I spoke with my oncologist over the phone early yesterday and he confirmed that the PET scan showed no metabolic activity. That means NO CANCER (*fist pumps*).

However, there is still a “residual mass” in my chest. This is a very common occurrence for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma patients, especially those with bulky tumours such as my own (bulky means it’s larger than 10 cm in size. Mine was 14 cm, or 5.5 inches). Because the residual mass did not light up on the PET scan, it is not cancerous and not growing. My oncologist is fairly certain it’s scar tissue, and from what I’ve read, having a residual mass won’t necessarily increase my risk of recurrence.

Now there is the big question as to whether or not I’ll do radiation to further shrink that residual mass and zap the area that was once active. In the past, 6 months chemo + 1 month radiation was the norm for people with my diagnosis. However, the most recent studies have shown that radiation may not prevent Hodgkin’s from coming back any more than just having chemo. Radiation also increases the risk of getting a secondary cancer down the road. Something of particular concern because of my younger age.

My oncologist recommended that I don’t do radiation, but he’s leaving it to my radiologist to make a formal recommendation. The decision to get it is ultimately mine, but I trust my doctors and will likely do what they say. I do know that my oncologist is highly respected so there’s a good chance my radiologist will follow his recommendation, unless she isn’t as satisfied with my scan. I’m not sure how large the residual mass is yet.

I meet with the radiologist on Friday, so I will update you all on the radiation bit after then!

As of right now, my feelings are mixed. I’m elated to know that I no longer have a cancer inside of me, and that I can get my horrendous PICC line out!

The PICC is the tube hanging out of my arm for giving IV drugs and taking blood.

On the other hand, I am nervous about this radiation thing. I am nervous to start living my life dealing with the long-term side effects of cancer and its treatment. The cancer may come back, my lungs still feel off, the chemo can affect my heart, gall bladder, the list goes on and on.

Just because the cancer is gone, it does not mean the complications and emotions that come with it are suddenly gone too. I am definitely happy I was able to get rid of my cancer, but I much prefer to have never had cancer at all.

In the end, I do realize I’m lucky to have gotten rid of it at all. There are many out there who are diagnosed with less favourable kinds of cancer. But I am not fooling myself into thinking I will ever be the same again. I unfortunately learned the hard way that I’m not as invincible as I once thought I was.

I have a lot to say, but I will leave it there for today. However I can’t forget to give a big THANK YOU for sending so many well wishes, good vibes, prayers, and healing chants. Those of you who sent comments, messages, and tweets over the past few days, I am sorry I couldn’t respond to every single one of you. But please know I read and appreciated every single one. Also, thank you to the silent readers who also sent positive energy my way. I am not too hippie-dippie when it comes to this stuff, but I will take anything I can get if it will help keep the cancer away!

There is certainly still more to my cancer journey, but I’m sure we can all agree that the worst is now hopefully over.

At the same time, I will be in the car with my dad heading for the same destination.

Once we both arrive, the isotopes will be injected into my veins. I’ll sit in a dark room for close to an hour as they spread through my body. Nothing to read or do, as a stimulated brain can create a false image.

I’ll then lay on a PET scanning machine and move in and out of it slowly for around 30 minutes.

The radioactive isotopes will react with the sugar in my body so areas where there is metabolic activity will light up in an image. Any spots that light up are considered to be actively cancerous and growing.

Source: CENTRE JEAN PERRIN, ISM/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY

Last time I had a PET scan, in July 2011, I had a spot light up just above my heart. Cancer wrapped around the superior vena cava that pumps blood into my heart. Another spot was located under my right arm and removed in surgery shortly after.

Today, after six months of chemotherapy, I am desperately hoping there are no bright spots on that image. That would mean I am cancer-free and require no more treatment. If there is still evidence of activity, my doctors may decide on 4+ weeks of radiation, which would consist of direct a ray of radiation to my chest for 10 minutes, 5 days a week. Then there’s a possibility that it could be worse…

I have always been optimistic about this cancer thing, but I enter today’s scan considerably less optimistic. I recently noticed I still have visible veins on the left side of my chest. Previously, those colourful veins were a sign that the cancer was squeezing around that big vein that goes into my heart and restricting blood flow. I’m scared that is happening again.

I likely won’t get the results today. I meet with my oncologist tomorrow and then my radiologist on Friday. That means I should know the results of the scan tomorrow, then what the remainder of my treatment plan is by Friday. Hopefully.

The last five weeks since finishing chemo have been a little snippet of what going back to my “normal” life could be like. I am ready to go back to work, get a place of my own, travel, and spend more time with friends. Having to get radiation will likely put all of that on hold and have me feeling sick again. I’ve been preparing myself for radiation ever since my diagnosis, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready or willing. I would love so much to get news that this is all over starting today. But I’m uncharacteristically pessimistic about this one.

As a result, I am graciously collecting well wishes, good vibes, prayers, and healing chants from all my internet friends. You know where to send them. Thank you. I’ll let you know the results as soon as I know!

11 Things

1. I collect elephant figurines. I’ve got dozens of elephant trinkets from all around the world.

2. I know how to Highland dance. My older sisters were more competitive with it but I still remember the basic steps. I remember using metre sticks to practice the sword dance and wearing rubber bands at the top of my knee socks to prevent them from falling down while I jumped up and down.

3. I love the smell of second hand smoke. I smoked for six years and quit purely for health and vanity reasons. I never turned into one of those ex-smokers who wrinkle their nose at how “gross” it is. That’s why I haven’t touched a cigarette since I quit, because I could probably easily become a smoker again.

4. The first dog I ever owned was named Prudence. I believe she was a shephard/beagle mix. She died near Parlee Beach after choking on a shell.

5. I didn’t get my license until I was 22. I failed my beginners written exam when I was 16 and never bothered with it again until my boyfriend in university insisted that he teach me.

My first car - a 1993 Dodge Shadow. Bought in 2008.

6. Speaking of cars, I dream of owning a Vespa someday.

7. The only reason why I learned how to play harmonica was so I could play this song:

8. The first recipe I ever tried was stuffed tomatoes from Jamie Oliver’s old show The Naked Chef. I was 13. I turned out awful.

9. Even though I’m not sure if I’ll even ever have children, I love picking out names for these fictional children of mine. Right now my favourite girl’s name in Rosalie while my current boy’s name is Simon.

10. I really dislike horror movies. I claim it’s because they typically have bad plots, but it’s mostly because I don’t like being scared. Although, I do kind of love Evil Dead.

11. I spend a lot of time going between really wanting a tattoo, and wanting to keep my body tattoo-free. Currently, I am in a wanting a tattoo phase. The main thing that keeps me from ultimately getting one is that I’m cheap.

11 Questions

1. What is your favorite Pop song?

I don’t listen to a lot of pop, how about some Britpop?

2. What is your first ever memory?

Bothering my sisters while they were playing a board game in the basement. I was 2 or 3 years old and they were yelling at me to go away because I was knocking around the pieces.

3. What food are you most addicted to?

Peanut butter. It was the only restricted food I had while on chemo that I just couldn’t 100% give up. Chocolate and cheese were easier to resist!

4. The best place you have visited?

Banff, Alberta. I feel like I should say one of the cool European places I’ve been to, but Banff is beautiful without all the manmade stuff. I’m not much of a city person and when it comes to the great outdoors, Banff is wonderful.

5. The book you’re currently reading?

I haven’t read a book since… October? I usually read a book every couple weeks, but I have a hard time concentrating on and retaining information these days thanks to chemo brain.

6. A life goal you have yet to achieve?

Make homemade croissants.

7. Smoothie or Juice?

Neither.

8. Favorite App?

Instagram!! I’m balancesusan on there.

9. What did you want to be when you were little?

Veterinarian. I’ve always loved animals.

10. Top ten fruit and veg?

Apples, oranges, grapes, spinach, carrots, tomatoes, blueberries, artichoke hearts, potatoes, mangoes.

11. Favorite way to drink coffee?

Black and strong. There is a joke about men in there somewhere.

I actually never throw myself birthday parties because I hate being the centre of attention. Yes, I realize the hypocrisy of that because I write a blog centred around myself. I just prefer not to see the eyes looking at me. Also, if we’re being really truthful here, I have a small fear that if I were to throw a party no one would show up.

Instead, I spent January 23rd my favourite way – low key with just a few good people.

That included a lunch out with friends. We checked out a newer gastro pub in Moncton called the Tide & Boar. Apparently they have famous poutine made with boar meat, but I didn’t want to fill myself up for the day at noon.

I instead ordered haddock breaded in panko and parmesan with a fennel coleslaw (that had amazing fried capers) and a house salad with roast veggies and granola. I can’t wait to come back and try out the rest of their unique menu!

The girls got me flowers among other things! So sweet. I’m not a girly-girl on many levels, but I love getting flowers.

One thing I wanted to do on my birthday that was a non-negotiable was take my dog for a walk.

I’d say 37% of the reason why I got a dog was just so I would have something to walk! Buster and I did our usual 3-mile route. It’s always one of my favourite parts of the day.

And then what’s a birthday without my MOM? Who would tell me the story of my birth for the 26th time? She said she’d make me anything I wanted for dinner and now that my food restrictions are over the first thing I requested was CHEESE. Since it’s not the best idea to eat a pound of old cheddar with a fork, we decided on a lasagna instead.

My mom’s lasagna is the best! This time around she used kamut noodes, bison meat, and packed it full of veggies. With a Greek salad (my favourite) on the side.

But the cake? Making that was entirely up to me. Making my own cake every year is one of my favourite traditions! Here’s what I made in 2009, 2010, and 2011.

I’m not a fan of traditional cakes, I always go for something a little different. This year it was chocolate chip cookie cake.

I used this recipe to make the cake. I even screwed up the directions and it still turned out great.

I went to make little decorations on top with vanilla bean buttercream frosting, and the ziploc bag I was piping out of exploded all over the cake!! So full-on icing it was.

Guess I should buy a proper piping bag with some of my birthday money.

Chocolate chip cookies are hands down my favourite dessert, so this was an easy sell. I actually liked the thin layer of icing and the cake is choc full of chocolate chips.

Dinner was followed by plenty of talking, yelling, and laughing with my family. All while the dogs played and played and played.

Buster and my mom’s new puppy already love each other.

Overall, it was the best kind of day I could ask for. My energy levels are still low so I took care not to cram too much in. Instead I’ll do other bits of celebrating throughout the week. It’s funny, because usually I turn a year older and am amazed by how time passes and how I’m suddenly so old. Not this year. Having cancer made me realize just how young I really am. 26 years is just a fraction of the life I hope to live.

Anyways, I wanted to note that today, January 21st marks one month since my last chemo!! Officially the longest I’ve gone without chemo since beginning in July 2011. Before this, it was common to wait three weeks in between treatments.

A lot of people ask me how I’m feeling now that it’s been so long. The answer, as always, is complicated. I feel great and yet I don’t feel great all at the same time.

With each week that passes, I find I have more energy than the week before. I’m getting out of the house more, exercising more, I’m even doing a few more chores. But with the bouts of energy, still come the crashes. While my “ups” are much better and longer than they used to be, they are still much more short-lived than that of a normal person. And my “down” energy times are still borderline crippling.

The best way to explain it is to use the spoon theory. I’m not sure if I really have any more spoons, but instead it just takes a little more to use one up. When I run out of spoons, the feeling is no different than before. I’m stuck to lying in bed so fatigued I can barely move. This first month without chemo has made me realize what a long process recovering from the poisons is going to be. Now I really understand how people can say it takes months to get any semblance of normalcy back.

With that said however, I’m bound and determined to get some things done in these months as I recover. Namely, TRAVEL!

I would have never labelled myself as an avid traveller before, but having to go a year without going anywhere made me realize how much I really do travel and how much I rely on it! I have a few things on the horizon that I am super stoked on.

1. Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Source

Okay, so Halifax is only a 2.5 hour drive from Moncton. But my friend gave me a Garrison growler (ie. jug o’ beer) and we made plans to go to Halifax to get it filled to celebrate when I’m cancer-free. If I get a clear scan next week, the trip could be very soon! I love Halifax (my mom grew up there) and have a handful of friends there, so I think it will make for a perfect first trip.

2. Toronto, Ontario.

View from the CN Tower!

Ideally, I’d like to take a long weekend trip to my old stomping grounds in March/April depending on how I’m feeling and how work is going. I’d have taken a trip back a looooong time ago had I not gotten sick. I miss my friends there! And the food!

3. Boulder, Colorado. 

Source

Ever since travelling to the Canadian Rockies with Holly and Karen, I’ve had an itch to go south and see what the Rockies are like in the U.S. Coincidentally, when a group of bloggers decided to arrange a weekend of hanging out, they chose Colorado as the location! The BLEND Retreat is May 4-6 and will basically be one big blogger party. No sessions or conferences to get to, just spending time together and tackling some mountains! Some of my best blog friends are already signed up to go, but I know there are spots left. I encourage any bloggers out there to check it out! As Lindsay says, you can always make more money, you’ll never be able to replicate this kind of weekend. If you’re worried about not knowing anyone, you’ll know ME. And we can be awkward together.

4. Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia.

Source

Ever since being diagnosed with cancer, I’ve been reading about these survivor retreats and wishing I could be a survivor already and go take part. Well, by July I should hopefully still be in remission so I signed up to take part in the Young Adult Cancer Canada “Retreat Yourself” on the East Coast. Registration was free and I’m lucky that it’s close enough I can drive. I’ve never been to Cape Breton, so I’m excited to check out its beauty, get some outdoor activity in, and of course connect with other cancer patients/survivors my age who will get my cancer jokes. If you’re a Canadian young adult cancer survivor, you should check this one out!

Well, I wanted to share some of the treats that have been coming out of my kitchen, but I feel like I’ve written enough, so I will save that for another post. Instead, here is a picture of Buster carrying around his much-too-big-for-him teddy bear.

Have a great weekend!

“Home gym” used lightly here as it is still very much a work in progress. I set it up in an empty room in my dad’s house and there’s still equipment to add and clutter to clear out.

I’m really, really excited about it because I’m not allowed to work out in a regular gym due to my weakened immune system from chemo. When the weather was nice and I was feeling more sick, I was okay with getting my exercise with long walks. But now that we’re down to the minus double digits and I’m getting small bursts of energy again, I’ve got the bug to get some real workouts in!

For cardio, I’ve got my dad’s recumbent bike and my new elliptical. So far I am completely in love with the elliptical. It’s a real treat to just saunter downstairs and get my cardio in while watching whatever I want on television. I call it my “investment piece” based on what I’ll save on a gym membership in the long run. Plus, the equipment may come in handy down the road if I ever want to do personal training outside of a gym environment.

For strength, I got a bench, barbell, and weight plates for free from my step-dad. I already owned the confused looking dog.

There’s also light dumbbells, mats, skip rope, exercise ball, and a foam roller that I had already acquired over the years. Eventually I’d like to get some heavier dumbbells and kettlebells. I’ve also got a road bike and indoor trainer for it, but I’m in no rush to set it up with my broken arm and all. I’m going to try the Couch to 5k running program when the ice melts.

I have to say, starting to seriously workout again after six months of chemotherapy is rough. Way more rough than when I first started getting into fitness after years of smoking and drinking too much beer.

Among the many awful things chemo does, it also breaks down muscle mass. I used to shoulder press with 25 lb dumbbells, and now I’m struggling with 5 lbs! It’s really quite remarkable. And not in a good way.

I also suffered from lung toxicity over the course of chemo and I don’t feel like my lungs are quite where they were when I was healthy. My cardiovascular fitness has gotten pretty bad too. But I can’t push it too hard in case there is still a tumour wrapped around the vein that pumps blood into my heart.

Of course, there’s the added issue of my left elbow looking like this the last time we checked:

I’ve gained a lot of strength and movement in that arm over the past several months, but it’s nowhere close to being where it was before the skating accident. I still can’t bear a lot of weight on it. A push up for example is impossible. Even doing repetitions with light weights can be painful.

With aaalllll of that said, I’m really quite excited. Fitness used to be my life, and participating in it again makes me feel like me. It gives me a sense of normalcy that I so desperately crave. Plus, the endorphins do wonders for my mood. I’ll keep you updated as time goes on in the quest to get my fitness back. Maybe I’ll even update that ole’ workout page with some new workouts again!

Anyways, here’s some bloggable highlights from the week!

1. Chicken and Waffles.

First, can we discuss where this combo originated? Was it in the Southern U.S.? For all the times I’ve eaten waffles, I’ve never had this combo. Healthified since I was making it at home. I started by slicing a small pre-baked chicken breast, dipping the pieces in egg whites, then coating them in a mix of coconut flour and ground flax seed. I then stuck them in the toaster oven until they browned.

For the waffle, in a bowl I mixed:

• 1/3 cup whole wheat flour
• 1 tbsp ground flax seed
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tbsp sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 egg white
• almond milk until desired consistency (thicker for waffles than pancakes. sorry! I never measure it!)

I’m not quite sure what people put on chicken and waffles, so I drizzled syrup on top and it was GOOD! Chicken is so bland that the sweetness worked nice, and the coconut coating was the perfect flavour to add. Traditionally, the chicken is battered and deep fried. I will have to try that version another day!

2. Homemade pasta.

My friend Becca has an Italian cookbook filled with humorous notes from an Italian on how to make the recipes authentic (such as “no!” to garlic in tomato sauce). Half of the book is pasta recipes and we decided we needed to attempt the homemade noodles in there since neither of us had done it before.

It was actually incredibly easy. For two servings, mix 1 cup flour (durum preferably, but we used all purpose with a splash of water) and two eggs. Roll it out paper thin and hang to dry for 20 minutes. For fettuccine, we rolled up the sheet of dough then made  <1cm slices all the way down it. Unravel, then drop in a pot of boiling water for a minute. The hardest part was flattening out the dough with a beer glass.

We agreed on a lighter sauce to let the noodles shine. Becca whipped up a basil walnut pesto with roasted garlic. Everything was DIVINE. I want homemade pasta again tomorrow, and the next day.

3. I got an elliptical!

Fancy, eh? I cancelled my gym membership when I was in the hospital and have been working out at home because of my weakened immune system. Instead of rejoining the gym, I decided to slowly get a home gym going instead. For a long time I planned on getting a treadmill, but I like running and walking outdoors when I can. I thought the elliptical would be something different for my muscles and good for crappy days outside. I’m ridiculously excited about it.

4. Buster had surgery!

Okay, so he just got fixed like every other dog out there, but I still worried about him! Above is a photo the vet snapped when he was waking up from the anesthesia. Look at his tongue hanging out! My poor baby.

He was really groggy when I first brought him home, but the next morning he had better control of his tongue and was bounding around like normal.

As well as playing with his doggie relatives. It’s a full house whenever I bring Buster around my mom’s house with the addition of the new puppy. All dogs fighting to be on one lap at a time.

5. Tunes.

Because we all need some good tunes to go into the weekend with.

Inhaler by Miles Kane

Mayday by PUJOL

Cause A Rockslide by Badly Drawn Boy

The Bad In Each Other by Feist

Walk Away by Tom Waits

That’s all she wrote! Have a great weekend!

But from the time of my diagnosis, I’ve been on a focused path of being cancer-free again. I stopped going to work and instead woke up every day with only one job to do – get healthy again.

But what happens when I am healthy again? For six months, my life has been going to appointments, taking pills, dealing with fatigue and illness, and of course, walking the dog. But when the cancer is gone and I get a clear bill of health, how am I going to jump back into “normal” life as a citizen of the world again? I haven’t even been inside a shopping mall for six months!

In my opinion, being told you’re cancer-free is arguably harder than the initial diagnosis itself. With cancer I was told what to expect, but I have no idea what to expect of life post-cancer. Even as my hair grows back, the chemo fog lifts, and the fatigue slowly melts away, will I ever feel truly healthy again? There will always be a looming scan in the future and fear of hearing another diagnosis from a doctor’s lips.

Currently I am in this weird waiting period between my last chemo and a scan checking in on its effect. The scan will either show lingering cancer the doctors will want to radiate, or show no signs of cancer and I get to skip out of the hospital cancer-free once again.

But waking up cancer-free knowing what it’s like to wake up with cancer is not as relieving and joyous as it sounds. Especially in the first few months as my body slowly recovers and I learn to adjust back to my old life. As I adjust to being a girl in her 20′s again instead of that sick girl who watches too many movies.

I remember driving home from the hospital after being chained to an IV pole in the oncology ward for a month. It is so, so weird to be stuck inside one building for that amount of time. Kind of what I imagine jail to be like. Even though I was in my hometown the whole time, as I drove toward my house, it all felt so strange and foreign. My house was the same, but I was walking through it differently with a whole new perspective.

As I come closer to my cancer-free date, I feel very similar. Although this time I’ve been free to move around, it’s as if the news will allow me to step outside this bubble I’ve been living in for six months. In some ways it will be a refreshing breath of fresh air. In other ways, it will also feel so strange and foreign. The world will certainly look a lot different, and that can be scary.

I am not trying to be poetic here. In all seriousness, the first thing I’m doing when I’m cancer-free is walking into a bar and ordering a drink.

And then another.

And wait for it to rise.

No, not bagels yet (soon, I promise!). But this week I tackled another bread that’s been on the to-do list for a while – pita bread!

I’ve finally figured out the environment that best encourages active yeast and rising dough in my kitchen. I start with 100F degree water with a few pinches of sugar and activate the yeast with a hot, damp towel over the bowl in the microwave (turned off, obviously). It gets wonderfully bubbly after 10 minutes.

My newest trick?

A KitchenAid stand mixer!! It was a Christmas gift. So shiny. So beautiful. So dang useful. I broke it in by allowing it to knead the dough for 10 minutes while I rested my gimp left arm.

My next trick for rising dough is sticking it back in the microwave with a hot towel over top and a couple thermoses of boiling water.

Punching it is arguably the best part. Makes all that waiting worth it.

For pita bread, you have to divide the dough and roll it into balls first.

Once the dough is settled, roll it out and stick it in a very hot oven. I had mine a bit hotter at 450F. This is where you can gasp and yelp in amazement.

THEY PUFF UP!! I promptly called my sister into the room going “Look! Look!” Once you place the flat dough on the hot pan in the oven, it only takes seconds for them to start bubbling up and separating in the middle.

The recipe I followed can be found here. The pita bread was delicious, but I wouldn’t say perfect for my first attempt. Not all of them puffed fully and I found they were too fluffy. I would definitely recommend the hotter oven temperature and I think next time I’ll roll them out thinner. They also really do get crispy when kept in the oven for longer than three minutes.

Coincidentally, I had some homemade hummus on hand. (a very basic version – 1 can drained chickpeas, 2 tbsp liquid from can, 2 tbsp lemon juice, 2 tbsp tahini, 2 small cloves garlic, 1 tsp cumin, salt, pepper, all in the food processor!)

In completely unrelated news…

MY MOM GOT A PUPPY!!

Her name is Maggie Mae, her previous owner named her Megara, which my mom said was too ‘cumbersome.’ She’s a 12-week-old Havanese. Super shy and cuddly. So soft and fluffy!

Buster scared the bejesus out of her when he came bounding into my mom’s house and straight for her. He, err, comes on a little strong with other dogs sometimes.

And in more news, I’m calling the vet today to get Buster fixed. No more waiting with that one!

Yup, I am one of those annoying people not jumping on the resolution train this year. Partly because I now face another year having not completed my goals from the year before. But also because I am too exhausted from the cancer debacle to force myself to do anything other than recover and get better in this new year.

In 2011, I set out to make switches rather than goals:

1. Switch out sugary desserts with natural sweets.

2. Switch out 5 minutes of internet time with meditation time.

3. Switch out one workout a week with yoga.

4. Switch out unreplied emails for replied ones.

Well, I am here to tell you that I did not successfully complete any of them! In my defense, six weeks after I set these goals, I shattered my left elbow and couldn’t do yoga anymore. I hate meditating. I have a sweet tooth that a piece of fruit will never be able to satisfy. And well, the email thing is always a headache. I have a bad habit of reading emails on my phone, marking them as “read,” then forgetting to ever reply.

I used to be a big goal setter, and I do still think there is a time and place for them. But when it comes to “life” I now know there are just too many variables to think I can set myself on a linear path. The universe has very much forced me to become a “go with the flow” type person, and I sometimes feel there is just too much rigidity to goals. Plus, why would I ever want to set myself up for failure? That’s just depressing.

In August 2011, shortly after I started chemotherapy, I listed newer, more fun goals. I would instead call them things to look forward to, rather than additional items to add to my to-do list.

1. Write an outline for a book.

2. Travel somewhere in North America.

3. Bake croissants and bagels.

4. Get a dog.

5. Run.

See? Doesn’t that sound so much better?

As for #1, I flip flop with this a lot. I feel like every person with a cancer diagnosis is writing a book these days. It took me a really long time to come up with a concept that I think is different and would appeal to a mass audience. With that said, I feel like I still need more space from this cancer thing before I start seriously writing it. I also don’t think I’d make any money off a book, so I’m not sure if the time I put into it would be worth it.

As for #2, if I’m healthy enough I plan on travelling to Boulder, Colorado in May for the Blend Retreat! #3 will likely happen in the next few months. I’m going to start on #5 as soon as I’m told I’m cancer-free (soon, I hope!).

And we all know how #4 turned out :)

Instead of fretting over resolutions this year, Buster Bartholomew and I headed over to my mom’s house for a New Year’s feast! I still can’t drink until my chemo meds wear off, so I cooked like a fiend instead.

Three kinds of meatballs, 60 in total, with dipping sauces for each.

Leah’s Lemon Rosemary Turkey Meatballs. I didn’t make the sauce for these, but found that hummus was the perfect dipping sauce! They were also good with leftover cranberry sauce from Christmas dinner.

Sweet and Sour Pork Meatballs. I didn’t make the sauce for these either and instead dipped in bottled plum sauce.

Tofu Balls in a Peanut Sauce. I’ve made these tofu balls a bunch of times and they are amazing every time. I especially like them with the peanut sauce!

This New Year’s Eve was certainly much more low key than I’m used to, and I’m not really a “low key” person when it comes to these things. But I’ll make up for it next year. I’ve got a lot of making up to do in 2012!

Meanwhile, it seems Archie’s resolution was to be nicer to Buster. Even if it’s only for short periods at a time.

Anyone else out there make any resolutions?

How to ask for help. I’ve always been stubborn and independent. I took a lot of pride in being self-sufficient about certain things. For me, asking for and receiving help quietly are hard to do. But being able to do so makes life so much easier.

I’m stronger than I thought. Not because of the things that have happened to me, but because of how I’ve chosen to deal with them.

When it comes to TV and movies, lighthearted is the way to go. If I’m going to escape into something, I want it to be enjoyable.

Life goes on. No matter how devastating something is, I still have to wake up the next day and go on with my life.

The saying “you can never go home again” is not true. In 2011, I moved back home  after seven years of being away. And I actually love being back. For years, I challenged myself to go outside of my comfort zone because I thought it was good for me, but that doesn’t make me happy. Being comfortable in my environment does.

Shaved poodles are kind of frightening. Poor Archie had a rough year too.

I used to take my fitness for granted. Not everyone can run, strength train, do yoga, or even move their body with ease. I can’t believe I never acknowledged how lucky I was to live pain-free before, and instead spent too much time wanting to be in better shape. Pfft.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can improve my quality of life. In 2010, I chased my dreams and found work I loved. Work I spent 14 hours a day doing and still struggled to pay my bills with. In 2011, I settled down and accepted an 8-4 desk job with a better paycheck. It doesn’t sound as fancy as chasing my dreams, but it’s a lot more satisfying in completely different ways. I really enjoy having a life outside of work rather than have work be my life.

Pets are good for your health. Getting a dog during treatment was one of the best decisions I ever made. There were concerns in the beginning he might put me at risk of illness because dogs aren’t “clean.” But my family and I work at making sure he’s always sanitized, and I will argue to the death that dogs can do amazing things for your mood and spirit. Buster kept me strong in other ways by putting a smile on my face every single day.

Happiness isn’t something that needs to be chased down or found. Oftentimes it can come to me wherever I am in the world just by opening myself up to it.

Having all the free time in the world is only an advantage when you feel well enough to do something with that time. Being unable to leave bed for days at a time is mind-numbingly boring. For those of you who complain about having too much to do, being stuck doing nothing can be just as bad.

You can, and should, french toast just about anything.

It is so, so important I find ways to feel proud of myself outside of what I am physically capable of doing. Being fit is great, but it shouldn’t be my only source of self worth. I don’t love my legs because of what they do for me, I love my legs because they are mine. I need hobbies that don’t just rely on the abilities of my body, because I can lose those abilities in a second.

I can’t let the opinions of others dictate how I deal with things. Anyone who has been ill, injured, or hell, pregnant, knows that some people feel like they are suddenly allowed to give unsolicited advice. Just because so-and-so went through a similar ordeal does not mean I’m going to go through my own ordeal in the same way. Some days I actually felt guilty for feeling so sick after chemo because I heard of others who didn’t. Or I felt like a wuss when I still couldn’t lift 10lbs months after my arm surgery. In reality, I am the only one who sets the bar with how I deal with my own unique situation.

Memorable Posts From 2011:

And just like that, my life changed…

Why I’m No Longer A ‘Healthy LIving Blogger’

A long, hard road

Three Weeks To A Diagnosis

Numbers

Radically Free

Lemon Cake For Three

The One About The Hair

Why Your Body Can’t (and Shouldn’t) Make You Happy

Time

Baking With Spoons

The Last Word On Body Weight

On Betrayal Of The Body

I started 2011 in January feeling sick. I had a 10-day fever in the first couple weeks. On February 11, I shattered my elbow and had reconstructive surgery. For months I struggled with a slow and frustrating recovery while learning how to live my life now being physically limited. Just as I started a new job and scheduled a follow-up surgery to hopefully fix my arm for good, I was diagnosed with cancer on June 22. I’ve been sick and weak every day since. I had what will hopefully be my last cancer treatment on December 21, and will take what will hopefully be my last cancer related drug on December 31.

2011 has hands down been the hardest, most challenging year of my life. I have grown and learned a lot. A lot of which I can appreciate, none of which I really cared to deal with so early in life.

I would just like to give a big “fuck you” to 2011. I am happy to see this shit year end. I’m not naive enough to believe that it will all be over when the clock strikes midnight. But I’m really fucking happy to shake 2011 off and face 2012 with a renewed sense of optimism and energy.

So here’s to a great New Year!!

Finally got my Christmas picture of Buster! He got so spoiled this year. All of my family members bought him gifts (a coat, booties, treats, and toys), not to mention nonstop love and cuddles from all the people in the house.

Archie however, kind of hated this Christmas. I think that cute spaniel ruined it for him. Poor poodle.

We had snow for Christmas! It’s all melted by now, but I hope it comes back soon. As much as I love warmth, I love my seasons. Cold and snowy ones included.

My dad bought the third-last Christmas tree in Moncton on Dec 23rd. It is so ugly. It looks even wider decorated!

My middle sister (I have two older sisters) came home from Quebec! I love having all of us girls together. Until we start drinking at arguing that is (joking!) (mostly!).

My oldest sister who used to live in Ottawa lives at home with me now. I keep her well fed, she keeps the house clean, ha.

We played games on Christmas Eve. I won, thanks to the help of my little teammate. Buster mostly just tried to catch and eat the dice.

For Christmas brunch we had baked French toast with sugared pecans. Usually we do a ham, egg, and cheese casserole thingy, but I can’t eat ham or cheese this year because of the drugs I’m on. Don’t even get me started on how lame it was to have food restrictions over Christmas…

And of course, on Christmas morning we opened gifts! Packed in reused gift bags over the years.

How sweet of Buster to get me something. Ha!

My step-siblings stopped by in their Christmas peejays. I’ve got five teenage step-siblings – three on my mom’s side and two on my dad’s side. It’s kind of ridiculous, but I also love being part of a big family.

Last but not least, my contribution to Christmas dinner, a pumpkin trifle! Recipe found here. I would definitely recommend this as a recipe to try, it was a fun way to change up our usual fruit trifle. Usually I make closer to half of the Christmas dishes, but this year I was just too sick and fatigued. The cooking is my favourite part so I was bummed to miss out on it!

Overall, this Christmas gets a solid “okay.” One of my grandmothers went into the hospital Christmas Eve after falling at home. She is fine, nothing is broken, but she is quite shaken up. I of course was sick from chemo and drug withdrawals. I usually take a lot more photos but didn’t feel inclined to do so this year, as I honestly don’t really care to remember the Christmas I was sick, bald, and had a swollen face.

Most of all, I am looking forward to the New Year. To put 2011 and all of its crappiness behind me. To start fresh chemo-free. The worst of my last chemo is behind me and I’ve got nothing but new days ahead of me to feel better and better. Four weeks until the PET scan to see if there’s any signs of remaining cancer. Please start crossing your fingers now!

It feels like a while since I last baked, which is all kinds of wrong seeing as Christmas is so near. I’ve been taking chemo pills every day since last week which really drag me down, but I knew I had to get my hands in some butter before chemo #12 this week.

Donned one of my favourite aprons made by Tanya! It’s to protect me from the icing sugar that was flying around the kitchen as I whipped together some shortbread cookies. If you haven’t made all your cookies yet, you MUST make these. They melt in your mouth.

Recipe comes from the back of a Canada Corn Starch box:

• 1/2 cup corn starch
• 1/2 cup icing sugar
• 1 cup all purpose flour
• 3/4 cup softened butter

Sift together corn starch, icing sugar, and flour. Blend in the butter with a wooden spoon or mixer until a soft crumbly dough forms. Shape dough into 1 – 1 1/2 inch balls, place on greased pan, and gently flatten with a fork. Place in fridge for 30-60 minutes then bake in a 300F oven for 15 minutes. Makes about 20 cookies.

I topped my cookies with a regular buttercream frosting made thicker with extra icing sugar and half a maraschino cherry.

For real, make these.

2. Archie is going to live!

My mom’s poodle is going to be 15 years old in February. He’s got lumps on his body and has been coughing a lot lately. My mom brought him to the vet yesterday, and he believes the lumps are benign fatty tumours and the coughing is a partially collapsed trachea. Neither of which are currently life threatening. Vet said he could live for another couple years!! Hopefully he learns to like Buster in that time. Archie is the, ahem, jealous type.

3. I’m playing guitar again.

I’ve been playing guitar on and off for 12 years now, but could no longer do it when I broke my elbow last February. The break prevented me from twisting my left wrist so my palm could face the ceiling, or enough to wrap my hand around the neck of a guitar. But over the past several months, I’ve slowly gotten that range of motion back. It still hurts to twist my wrist for long periods of time, so practice sessions are still short. I’m also horribly out of practice. It will give me something new to work on.

5. This is just a really cute picture. 

My Baby Bear sleeping with his bear. I love when he smiles in his sleep <3

6. Hamburgers are the official food of chemo.

My food sensitivity was particularly bad after my last chemo. Even toast and almond butter sounded gross. But hamburgers ALWAYS sound good. I could eat hamburgers for Canada by now. For you Moncton folk, the above comes from Bridges in Riverview. Come to the dark side, come to Albert County for your burgers.

7. TODAY IS MY LAST CHEMO.

Maybe. I still haven’t had a PET scan to see if there’s any active cancer left. It’s just the last chemo on my original treatment plan. But I’m elated to think this may be the last time I have to go through this. Wouldn’t that be fantastic?

8. I’m lucky in some ways. 

Because I kept my eyelashes and eyebrows. Sorry for the creepy eye shot. Both have definitely thinned, but both were thick to begin with. Volume mascara and a little eyebrow pencil make me look normal. It would be so cool if this was my last chemo and I got away with keeping my eyelashes and eyebrows.

The hair on my head is already a goner though.

9. I’m going to get better!

As in, getting better is not such a long term thing any more. If today is indeed my last chemo, then my recovery time will just go on and on until I feel like my “normal” self again. No more chemo sessions to bring me down again. I know that is a simplistic and obvious notion, but at this point it kind of blows my mind.

I foresee more sessions on my recumbent bike, more weight training, outdoor activities, and yoga!

I still won’t ever be able to do downward dog because of my bum arm though. I’ll leave that to Buster.

10. Santa tried to throttle my dog.

Yes, I realize getting my dog to pose with Santa has me edging closer to the crazy dog lady line – but I couldn’t help myself! I thought it would be so cute and not very harmful. Except, somehow my Santa shot looks like Santa is pulling a Homer Simpson on my Bart Simpson. “Why you little…!!”

I tried to take some cute Chrismassy photos of my little bear at home, but he was playing aloof.

And with that, I am off! “The Great Balancing Act” is on official Christmas holidays, to return sometime next week. Besides recovering from what may be my LAST chemo, I’ve got out-of-town family to see, cookies to eat, gifts to wrap and unwrap, and a puppydog to keep out of the poinsettias. Have a great holiday!! xoxo

A lot of people will report they feel betrayed by their bodies when they are diagnosed with an illness. I’m not sure if I would use such a harsh term to describe how I felt, but there’s no denying that it definitely hurt my feelings and ego.

The first thing anyone does when diagnosed with a disease like cancer is ask “why, when, and how?” It just didn’t make sense to me how I could end up with lymphoma. I exercised 5-6 times a week. I followed the food guide recommendations. I didn’t drink that much. Generally, I was a pretty happy person.

I mean sure, I’d had my party hardy days like anyone else my age. I smoked for six years, but hadn’t touched a cigarette in just as long. I cleaned up my act to be a healthier person. But I still ended up really, really unhealthy in a way I never thought could be so possible so soon in my life.

Beginning from the time I was admitted to hospital, I started to doubt what I preached as a personal trainer and nutrition specialist. Did any of it really matter? My grandmother eats nothing but white bread and soup with MSG, and she’s 88 years old with no physical health issues.

Time however is a funny thing, and as time has gone on my perception of this has changed.

Cancer, illness, accidents, we can’t control these things. We can do all we want to prevent them, but in the end we don’t get the final say. We just don’t.

Instead, I’ve come to be thankful for the time spent being healthy before my diagnosis. Why? Because it’s made being sick so much easier.

Treatment for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is no walk in the park. There’s a reason why it’s so effective. They weren’t fooling around when they cooked up the cocktail for the 14cm mass in my chest. So while I have indeed been on my ass these past couple days because of treatment, I really do think I am overall handling it okay. And I credit that fully to the good shape my body was in before I started treatment.

I hate to think what treatment would feel like if it weren’t for the healthy eating and exercise habits I’d already established beforehand. I might be weaker. I might be sicker. I might be more susceptible to infection.

So I guess it’s safe to say I’m not quite so disillusioned anymore. Perhaps treating my body well won’t ever be able to prevent illness, but I’ll still treat it right if it helps me get through illness stronger. If anything, I’m happy I had the good sense to take care of my body while I could. So when the time came, it could withstand what it needed to in order to live.

Chemo #11 went as well as it could on Wednesday. Buster is feigning chemo fatigue and we’ve been napping lots. My oncologist said he can’t imagine I’d need to do any more chemo after this round, so I’ll be sitting in the treatment chair for what may be the last time in FIVE days! I don’t have my appointment for the PET scan yet, which will show if there’s any active cancer left and decide on the rest of my treatment plan. But you can tell Santa all I want is Zofran for Christmas.

Have a great weekend!

You know the kind that are crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. No deep frying necessary and perfectly paired with a burger, slab of steak, or breaded fish.

No pussyfooting around today. Let’s get to it.

1. Set your oven to 450F. It’s hot, I know. Bonus points for taking this photo at noon on the nose.

2. Put a pot of water on the stove to boil.

3. Grab your potatoes. The kind of potato for this method doesn’t really matter, that’s what is so fabulous about this method. Just you know, don’t go sweet potato on me.

For today, I used 8 small/medium potatoes which was about 2.25 lbs on my home scale. Makes enough for about 4 side dish servings.

I peel my potatoes because of that whole immunosuppressed business, but you can leave the skin on if you like it. I otherwise usually do. Cut into wedges and wash well! If wedges aren’t your thing, this also tastes great for potato roasties (what I consider to be cubes).

4. By now your water should be at a rolling boil, so put your potatoes in there to parboil for 5 minutes only!!!

Basically until just fork tender but still too firm to eat as is. You don’t want them cooked all the way through or they just stay mushy and get crumbled in the next step.

5. Drain the potatoes and put into a mixing bowl with:

• 1 tbsp oil
• 1 egg white
• salt & pepper to taste
• any other spices you like

I experimented with spices and my favourite by far is infused oil. This particular bruschetta kind has oregano, basil, and garlic in it. I find when you add herbs to potatoes they burn in the oven, but oil flavoured with them won’t! You don’t have to buy fancy stuff either, just put some dried herbs and spices into a small jar of olive oil for a few days.

6. This part is important: spray your baking pan. The egg whites will make the potatoes stick, even though they’ve been tossed in oil. You need extra grease on the bottom.

7. Bake for 20 minutes, flip potatoes, then bake for another 15 minutes until brown and starting to crisp on the edges. Potatoes don’t burn as quickly as some other vegetables, so I leave them in until the corners start to turn a little black.

I’ve made these at least 10 times over the past few months and the following steps lead to crispy, pillowy, perfectly cooked oven fries every single time. No deep frying needed.

Gotta save my calories for the vat of ketchup and mayonnaise these get dipped in.

Off to see my oncologist today to get cleared for what will hopefully be my final round of chemotherapy. And nothing soothes a chemo belly like a tray of fries right out of the oven.